depression

I am back to being depressed…I doubt if I have clinical depression, which is thought to be a mental illness. I am sure I need to get my head serviced…But having said that, I somehow, in a strange sometimes-you-love-things-you-hate-the-most way, love being depressed. Being depressed makes me self centered. It makes me feel that my happiness and out-of-depression is the most important thing in life. It makes me empathize with people who are deeply depressed and are contemplating suicide.

When I am depressed I am reminded: “death is the ultimate truth, an inevitable part of life and is in its own way a moment to rejoice”. It makes me restless. No amount of sleep makes me rested; I still look tired and restless. At least my eyes say so.

It makes me theoretical. I see being part of the cosmos. I feel I have been in existence all throughout and would continue to live through infinity.May be as a stone, or dust.

 When depressed, things like money or wealth cease to hold their perceived significance. The feeling sinks that no amount of wealth can bring that feeling of security in my life. I start to wonder if true happiness is a feeling of security ? Why do I feel so insecure? Why do I feel as if I have no-one? Will more wealth bring more security? Will I need body guards, to prevent depressions from grabbing me?

Another interesting feeling when depressed is the feeling that world has no future. It feels as if world would end very soon, perhaps due to our own actions. World would have no petrol in next fifty years. We would have no water to drink, some nuclear power would attack another nuclear country. World would not hold for more than a hundred years. It all would end very soon. Yes, Depression makes me think this way, though rationale says otherwise.

But the worst feature of being depressed is the feeling that I am worthless. I am insignificant. Each of the nearly 6 billion humans are important to the world, except me. I feel as if noone loves me or is concerned about me. Everything is just a big, well scripted drama.  Everyone has fractional memories, noone has time for me.I am just a part of a huge crowd, moving in certain path, though purposeless and devoid of any motif.  

Am I the only one who gets depressed on and off?or am i too open and over-honest in admitting? Does it happen to you as well? Or am i passing through mid-life crisis?

Hi, My life updates

I thought I had just written a post few days back but was in for a super-shock.GRRRRRR……2 months and no updates.  I am still alive and breathing (If anyone cares).

Updates on My Life:

·         Went to Kerala on a tiny vacation. 10 days passed as if I was put to sleep and brought back to life 10 days later. That’s why I feel I should be more mindful of my existence; else life would pass by as if I were a moth born after the first rain.

·         Brought back the family. One year wait ended and my Wife and daughter traveled with me back to Bahrain. When I was alone I felt, as if my flat was huge, cold, lonely and depressing. Suddenly my 2 bedroom flat appeared too small a space. Little Ananya instantly conquered the space and declared possession, getting the life back to otherwise brick and cement and mortar.

·          My life has transformed for ever. Our( Wife and Mine) lives now revolves around the discretion of certain Ms. Ananya( my daughter) and we are adapting to her mood, Hunger and sleep. We whisper when she sleeps and only talk in our normal voices when she is awake. Three-forth of my Kingsize bed is now occupied by the reigning queen.She is awake by 5am, which otherwise was non existent hour of the day, and then starts the tussle to keep her entertained.  These days, my day start at 5 and until 9 am you could find me in the kitchen or providing amusement to the queen. AAAAAH..My Back.

·         Had party at my Wife’s house. It was fun. Whiskey(picked on the way from Duty-free) for the boyz( Bro-in-law, Father-in-law and me) and Martini for the girlz ( wife, Her sister and My MIL) and snacks, mostly consisting of fried seafood, flowed freely.

·     

From Anu Birthday

           Celebrated Daughter’s first Birthday on the 10^th of March(ABove photo  taken during her bday function). Booked a  Banquet hall at the Fortune Park hotel. It was Great Fun to see so many relatives and friends under one roof.

·         This year’s resolution of bridging the lost bond with my Father ended in the worst fight we have had so far. My father feels I have become proud and insolent and it’s because of the (he feels) success I have had in my career. I feel he is jealous of me, but then can a father be ever jealous of his son? Or is he jealous of the good relationship I share with my In-laws? Or is it because of over possessiveness?

·         After the fight, my father told me to leave the house immediately and it was past 9.30 pm at night. I had to beg him to allow us to stay until the morning because of the baby and the difficulty in getting a taxi so late at night (by Calicut standards). I promised that I wouldl never visit them again and my father challenged me to keep my promise. He cursed me that I would suffer and my bad days have only begun. My wife couldn’t control herself from crying and pleaded the old man not to curse us and the baby.

·         I feel whatever tiny bit of bond was left has been severed between us. I feel as if I have had no father, and the thought actually helps me feel better. I am through a strange situation in life when I feel it’s better to be an orphan than to cry over a disintegrated relationship. Its better to be fatherless than to have a father who has given me only hurt, all my life, including snatching my mother away from me.

·         It was my daughter’s first flight and she was howling almost half of it. Half of the passengers and almost all the crew tried appeasing her, of course without avail. We were glad that 4.5 hours of flight was over, which felt like one lifetime of flying. But once out of the plane she was all jovial and grab-whatever-comes-near-her-hand mood, including her papa’s hair and next passengers handbag.

A Bit of self-realization...

Today, I had a friend who happened to visit me in my office. We realized that we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time. We went to the nearby coffee-shop and over several coffees and snacks had a lengthy discussion on our private lives…

Over the discussion, I realized that we had so much in common. We both have same by-now irritating and forceful parents, who feel they are being grossly neglected since we got married. We both have parents who make the most of every opportunity to let their wards ( we) know that they (apparently) sacrificed their whole life so that they could bring us up.We both have parents who make us believe over-and-again that we still are small babies( who always commit mistakes) for them, no matter how big or grown we think we are. We have parents who think we are getting too influenced by our wives, and accuse her of alienating us from them.

He was telling me on how his father had a professional auditor-like database of all the chadies(underwear) he bought for his son, since he was born. I couldn’t help but laugh, at the same time wonder how our situations were so alike. I have often wondered why my father thinks its important to let me know that he spent Rs.100(in late 70s) every time I had a milk tooth.He still remembers how he took me in his arms and ran to the doctor when I had my first allergic reaction after eating peanuts. He would look at me pensively as if I was the most unappreciative and unthankful guy to walk the planet on two legs. Then my mother would take over and remind me that they were the ones who made me what I am today and I should never forget my roots, as if I had some acute Gajani-style amnesia.

I have now started wondering how families lived together as a one-huge-joint-family until few generations ago. It would surely lead to a world-war 3, if we were to live like that in today’s times. I have come to observe that so much of ego is rampant in our society, that brothers-sisters can’t see each other. I have seen in my own family that if one brother( dads brother) buys a Hyundai i20, the other one has to buy a verna, even if it means an exorbitantly high EMI.

There surely is a huge generation gap between my parents and me. At every step of a decision, the most significant factor is what-others-will-think. I know I care two-hoots about what others (mostly neighbours) will think when I make a decision. I don’t really understand why its so important to let my daughter know how I had to look after her(sleeplessly) when she was a toddler. Isnt why I am called her father? Isnt what I am supposed to do, having brought her to this world?

Having said that I must admit that its also a learning experience. I know that sure-shot way of spoiling the parent-children relationship is to constantly remind them how much they should be grateful to them. Giving price tag to a relationship is an easy way of ruining it, be it a father-son relationship.

P.S: Thanks for reading. Views expressed are mine and blogs are a medium to express ones thouhgts.... One persons RIGHT might be other persons WRONG.

keep the fire alive.......

I was reading an excellent article on Ramesh’s blog(Global Madrasi), which quotes Buddha: ““Learn to let go and be free.”- Lord Buddha.

This is very true in my case. I have felt that the thing that you chase always tend to move away from you. The moment you stop chasing it, it comes to you as if by some miracle or divine intervention.

When I was in college I was madly in love with this girl who took great pleasure in avoiding my evident crush. I took Great pain in letting her know the depth of my true feelings for her, through several methods known to me at that time. I even spent most of my pocket money on her, living the rest of the month on 1/4th of the balance that was left of appeasing her. But she avoided me.

Then I got sick of it and decided to leave her and focus on my studies and career. There comes the lady, trying to do all that I did to her to garner her attention. But when I had left my stubborn attachment, I found nothing in her that had made me drool over her earlier and we parted ways, she obviously distressed.

Then comes another instance when I started working and did everything I could to get my career move forward. I slogged for 15 hours a day, worked without leave for months, sacrificed my personal life…etc..but I was denied a promotion which I deserved rightfully. Then having lost all hope I started to take things lightly. I took offs, Started taking sick-leaves, even bunked for silly things like movies…and in 6 months time, I got my first promotion…I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.

There are many more examples which have convinced me that when you desire something from your heart, give your best and move aside: It would definitely come to you.

Or as Confucius says: “ And, When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Thanks for reading buddy….and keep the fire alive in your bellies…

retirement at 45.......

I had a dream last night. It was nothing exotic, erotic or dreadful, but a very simple, nevertheless a very satisfying one. In the dream I am visiting a temple with wife and parents. From the look of the entrance it resembled Guruvayur temple, and I am waiting in a long queue, followed by my wife and then behind her my parents. I am wearing a white dhoti, my wife is in a white traditional Kerala saree and my parents similar to our attire.

I am waiting and it looks like a long queue, but I have all the time in the world and I am very relaxed and happy .I observe the passage of life and time around me and I find people with increased devotion and a very unlike calmness on their faces. There are elephants, chained to thick carved rock pillars, feeding on bananas offered by pilgrims, recorded bhajans and smell of camphor and agarbattis. There is tranquility and stillness everywhere and no one is in hurry, everyone is devoid of their greed, hassle, anxiety. It so appeared.

Now, getting up this morning the amiability of the dream has had its effect and since morning and being a holiday today, I have done nothing but to sit and wonder about life back home in India. I am feeling very calm and peaceful.

I have a strong urge to go back and live close to my family and relatives and live my dream; my dream of a lazy retired life, enjoying every moment indulging in many of life’s offerings. As always worldly attachments and harsh realities come as villain and I am forced to stay back. As an afterthought I have ended up pondering over my life and its very meaninglessness. What am I doing? Am I doing what I wish to do, am I happy. Is this life? Etc, etc…..

I know those are rather clichéd inquiries, but then there is no escape and as it appears no satisfying answers.

As an answer, retiring early seems to be an option. But what age do I retire?45 looks like a suitable age, not too old to have fun and not too young to do what would appear a ‘wastage of my capacity and energy’.

I may come across  a lazy and slipshod person; that’s the danger expressing inner feelings, but the truth is that’s what I want. I dread competition, the rat race, meetings and interviews, or for that matter anything where I am answerable. I just want to be free, yes, just free: “I want to break free”, that’s my favorite track of Queen’s.

After 45 and without trying to sound like a procrastinated proclamation, I would lead a retired life and sit in the veranda of my house, facing lush greenery typical of my hometown. I would getup in the morning at may be 6( I know it’s a bit too early but I love the break of dawn and its tranquility) and go for long walks. I would occasionally visit Shiva temple. After that a shower and then I would have a healthy wife-made breakfast, settle with my books or the morning news paper for a leisurely uncalculated period of time. I would have by then old( if 45 is old) friends visit me and we would chat over tea and then, I may go out with them and hang-out at our favorite coffee-shop or library.

I would come home for lunch and then afternoon nap, followed by evening visit to temple. I would sit for bhajan and take part in temple activities, collect Prashad for my wife. Evening would be time for some news on TV and then dinner followed by early crash out to getup early the next day.

Huuuhhhh that was a long day….but that would sound something like my typical retired life….and I would have choices to make. I would take time to have a yearly vacation and would visit different countries like Peru, China, Mongolia, Chile, Argentina, Russia, Africa etc… take photographs and post it on Facebook for my family and friends to feel envious(Pun intended).

I would have nothing to worry about and live life as per my rules and guidelines.

It may sound a bit dreamy and preachy but I can name people who are examples and are happy that way.

Unless some changes come my way in the form of ‘destiny’, I would follow this dream and stick to it to the word‘t’.

I am feeling like someone just motivated and that’s going to help me pull my life for some time, till I have the effects of the rat race change my thinking. Until then its retirement at 45.