The wish to write has
waned.
I wrote as if
someone out there
was interested in
my existence.
But suddenly I feel
or else,
it is as though I
have Exhausted my ability to feel
or have rendered
myself dead.
I am in the midst
of an anguish,
and the thoughts
of expressing my thoughts
Leaves me
exhausted.
I feel I had certain
vigour or energy,
or perhaps a
certain vanity in me.
That 'energy'
seems to be sucked out of me
and the very
thought of writing leave me weary.
it is as though
I have tired my
ability to feel
or have rendered
myself numb.
it started with a
tingling sensation,
was not too intricate
to ignore initially,
but eventually
took over my body and mind
and left me gaping
at the pace of my life.
It’s as if I were on
an automaton.
I ask, Why, or for whom?
Ok, Nothing of the shit I wrote above. The thing is that I
have this defect of focusing only on one thing, at a time. Earlier when I started
blogging, I wanted to be a great blogger, in fact the greatest, with millions
of followers and millions of comments, each one of it on how brilliant my blog
was or how breathtaking my posts were. Now suddenly reality has struck. I am no
blogger.I am just an executive, working in a corporation, trying to earn my
living, so that one day I have enough money to feel happy about(and secretly
pity how poor my neighbor is).
I have loads of problems. Right now my biggest problem is
that I have almost nil bank balance.(No that was a lie. I have a fixed deposit
of XY lakhs, a mutual fund of YZ lakhs
and some gold worth XY lakhs( my wife’s, though I don’t want to call it a dowry,
even though my wife feels I was grossly over dowry-fied).
I also have a huge wish list. I want to retire by 45,
have an SUV-a Pajero( someone told me its called a Montero in India, Whatever)
or a Land cruiser Prado atleast.Now talking about retirement, people around me
have always made me feel I was a retard, bcoz noone retires at 45. I had
earlier written something on it and people wrote-how they wished they could
work till 125, or how their grandfather still works despite being 85 etc. I am
sad how Indians see retirement.
In the west, people work solely so that they could retire
young, before their joints ached of arthritis, before they go too sick to screw(
without Viagra) on the beach, before they render themselves too weak to sail on
a kayak, or take a month long train trip across Russian Siberia. An average
Indian works until he is 70( 55 years + 15 years after retirement). Cant blame though,
They had too many problems and commitments. Daughter’s marriage, Sons
education, own house/flat, son’s career until he has a son, relatives in need
of help, medical expenses for the old age etc.
I think times are changing. I think so.I see similar
thoughts floating around in the minds of people around me here, at least in my
friends list. I need no more than one daughter. I am thinking of vasectomy ( nasbandi
in shudh Hindi-condoms are too unreliable. ((that was a joke). Why care about
next generation? Thank god, I have a daughter. Daughters are much less pain-in-the-ass
compared to sons. At least,I worry less that they turn out to be drunkards or
drug addicts or criminals. Once my daughter is old enough to have a career and
is married ( if she has a wish to marry,
I would better advice her to stay single unless she finds an appropriate man),
I would fool around. I feel life is all about fooling around. We make a mess of
it by taking it too seriously.
And now suddenly blogging has become boring. Sad, it doesnt
pay me.I am a Greedy FUCKER.Actually, I feel its alright to be greedy. One is motivated and has a
reason to live. Its dangerous to have an unmotivated ass. Wealth creation is awfully
challenging but its also thrilling. Its great to see the bank balance swell. It’s the ultimate ecstasy. Ode To all the
greedy men around the world! Ciao.