Saturday, 10 April 2010


I am back to being depressed…I doubt if I have clinical depression, which is thought to be a mental illness. I am sure I need to get my head serviced…But having said that, I somehow, in a strange sometimes-you-love-things-you-hate-the-most way, love being depressed. Being depressed makes me self centered. It makes me feel that my happiness and out-of-depression is the most important thing in life. It makes me empathize with people who are deeply depressed and are contemplating suicide.

When I am depressed I am reminded: “death is the ultimate truth, an inevitable part of life and is in its own way a moment to rejoice”. It makes me restless. No amount of sleep makes me rested; I still look tired and restless. At least my eyes say so.

It makes me theoretical. I see being part of the cosmos. I feel I have been in existence all throughout and would continue to live through infinity.May be as a stone, or dust.
 When depressed, things like money or wealth cease to hold their perceived significance. The feeling sinks that no amount of wealth can bring that feeling of security in my life. I start to wonder if true happiness is a feeling of security ? Why do I feel so insecure? Why do I feel as if I have no-one? Will more wealth bring more security? Will I need body guards, to prevent depressions from grabbing me?

Another interesting feeling when depressed is the feeling that world has no future. It feels as if world would end very soon, perhaps due to our own actions. World would have no petrol in next fifty years. We would have no water to drink, some nuclear power would attack another nuclear country. World would not hold for more than a hundred years. It all would end very soon. Yes, Depression makes me think this way, though rationale says otherwise.

But the worst feature of being depressed is the feeling that I am worthless. I am insignificant. Each of the nearly 6 billion humans are important to the world, except me. I feel as if noone loves me or is concerned about me. Everything is just a big, well scripted drama.  Everyone has fractional memories, noone has time for me.I am just a part of a huge crowd, moving in certain path, though purposeless and devoid of any motif.  

Am I the only one who gets depressed on and off?or am i too open and over-honest in admitting? Does it happen to you as well? Or am i passing through mid-life crisis?


Neha said...

chill's just a passing will be fine :)

Anonymous said...

Ohk. I don't blog any more. And I read blogs mostly without commenting. But I just had to comment on this one.

1) It is a good thing that you have admitted to being depressed. Acknowledging that we have a problem is the first step towards solving it.

2) Speak to someone who really understands you and whom you trust. In fact it is even better if you speak to your General Physician and get a reference and an appointment with a psychiatrist.

3) Depression IS a medical condition that needs professional help. No matter what or how mundane the reason that triggers off your depression...You should ALWAYS seek help.

4) And I know cause I have been through ups and downs and had those unspeakable thoughts of ending my life. I am young. But I also know that life is precious. Petrol woes are accompanied by the speed of transport which our ancestors did not enjoy. Get a new hobby, step out, find like minded people, laugh, go for long walks, volunteer at old age homes and orphanages. Live life to the fullest!

And do come back and type out and let us know how you are doing.

Take care.

Smita said...

We all go thru phases, just remember that it's a phase and you will be out soon :)

Cheer up :)

Dark Lord said...

for a mo, i thought it was a sarcastic post... well no... kool macha... its just a phase...been there!

Onkar said...

I think, everyone experiences such phases. But the brilliant manner in which you have vented your feelings should make you somewhat relaxed.

Gymnast said...

Hey ZB ,

It seems to me like you love being depressed.

How weird that you feel connected to cosmos while feeling sad ! For most people , joy and happiness connects them to the universe..

Look at the good things in life , keep yourself occupied , be happy.

This too , will pass.

Nona said...

All of us have our ups and down! Take care!

ZB said...

Thank you all for the comments. I am depressed but not so depressed that i will kill myself the way my closest relative on earth did. Perhaps for the reason that we live not just for ourselves. We also live for the people who love us and need us. We will never know after death how much the people we left on this earth, miss us and cry for us. Some of the points why I would never kill myself:

1. I want to see my daughter grow up, get educated and see her have a life.
2. I want to see Japan, China, Canada, Egypt, Scandinavia and most of the placed in India before that.
3. I want to write a Novel before killing myself.
4. Open a restaurant and people appreciate me as a good chef.
5. To read articles in atleast one national Newspaper praising my restaurant and the food.
6. Own an S class Benz or BMW Z4.
7. Own an Apartment in Dubai.
8. and the list goes on and on….so I don’t see myself killing me in near future, unfortunately….
Thanks again….

Nikita Banerjee said...

I think all of us have this inherent tendency! Don't we all want attention? But hey you have you lil happy! :)

Rashmi said...

Hey me too often got through this same depression thing...and i genuinely feel what Choco said was right.
Btw me too won't die for good so soon no matter how depressed i am or may get, bear with me world ;)
Cheers buddy and live long.

ZB said...

@Choco: A special Thanks to you...I def. value your advice. Thanks Buddy.

@Nikita: Thanks

@Rashmi: Thanks, reading your comment actually makes me feel better. Thanks for sharing.

BK Chowla, said...

The only way out of depression is to think positive. negative thoughts will only bring depression.
Take care

sujata said...

oh I get depressed all the time, and then when I have had enough of it, I just start to think about the good things, however small, at first and then slowly i begin to see the bigger good things..and blink!! I am out of it. I know its completely related to the conscious mind, just depends on what and how deep I am dwelling on a thought, but it happens..and being a cancerian doesnt help you know, i blame it on the phase of the moon now!!

The unsure ascetic said...

Eeveryone goes through it buddy. I have been through it too. can relate to every word of yours. Nothing is permanent though. It will pass. I generally try doing things that I enjoy doing at these moments even though it can be impractical at times. I read a novel once on the day b4 my exam and that made me happy for no apparent reason.So, just chill and enjoy the good things of life.

Anonymous said...

Take care dear...Its a passing phase.I went thru one myself recently...Do finish that book of yours asap...

Aparna said...

We all go through it ZB, sometimes it lasts for a few days, sometimes for a little more.
You already know what to do when it hits you hard, a lot of people before me have come up with suggestions. All I can say is even at the most difficult times, life is beautiful, we just need to open our eyes a bit wider to see the beauty. Best wishes.

kavita said...

It happens to all of us sometimes..some admit it ,some don't.All i want to say is that i am waiting for the day to get your autograph on the book you author,have a hearty meal at your restaurant and to boost amongst my other friends showing them the great reviews of your restaurant and meet your lovely daughter .Insha allah !!Take care ZB.

anilkurup said...

I stumbled into your blog this for the first time. And what a topic to read to begin with- "depression". Yes all of us are at times depressed and that is the game of the mind. Depression I think is born out of stress.I take to cooking and blogging to counter the state.And is rediscovering reading too.
As for your feeling worthless, self pity is not a quality that should be cherished. Get over that.In fact all of us are worth and worthless in our own way. Sure the Sun will rise and set and the Planet will turn around and will not wait for us. So get on with life and fight it out

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Please cheer up! The very fact that you are willing to talk about your depression is a positive sign!

Gayathri said...

The thing that surprises me is that almost everyone of us look different,behave and think differently..but somewhere we are alike,as in the case of depression..I underwent,.and would again undergo this kind of a phase,where i would constantly question the reason for my existence in this world..and think im just an insignificant spec..and that nothing in life is more true than death..But at the end of the crest i find that it was a rejuvenating phase,and i come out more happy,appreciating the trivia of the world!