The wish to write has waned.
I wrote as if someone out there
was interested in my existence.
But suddenly I feel or else,
it is as though I have Exhausted my ability to feel
or have rendered myself dead.
I am in the midst of an anguish,
and the thoughts of expressing my thoughts
Leaves me exhausted.
I feel I had certain vigour or energy,
or perhaps a certain vanity in me.
That 'energy' seems to be sucked out of me
and the very thought of writing leave me weary.
it is as though
I have tired my ability to feel
or have rendered myself numb.
it started with a tingling sensation,
was not too intricate to ignore initially,
but eventually took over my body and mind
and left me gaping at the pace of my life.
It’s as if I were on an automaton.
I ask, Why, or for whom?
Ok, Nothing of the shit I wrote above. The thing is that I have this defect of focusing only on one thing, at a time. Earlier when I started blogging, I wanted to be a great blogger, in fact the greatest, with millions of followers and millions of comments, each one of it on how brilliant my blog was or how breathtaking my posts were. Now suddenly reality has struck. I am no blogger.I am just an executive, working in a corporation, trying to earn my living, so that one day I have enough money to feel happy about(and secretly pity how poor my neighbor is).
I have loads of problems. Right now my biggest problem is that I have almost nil bank balance.(No that was a lie. I have a fixed deposit of XY lakhs, a mutual fund of YZ lakhs and some gold worth XY lakhs( my wife’s, though I don’t want to call it a dowry, even though my wife feels I was grossly over dowry-fied).
I also have a huge wish list. I want to retire by 45, have an SUV-a Pajero( someone told me its called a Montero in India, Whatever) or a Land cruiser Prado atleast.Now talking about retirement, people around me have always made me feel I was a retard, bcoz noone retires at 45. I had earlier written something on it and people wrote-how they wished they could work till 125, or how their grandfather still works despite being 85 etc. I am sad how Indians see retirement.
In the west, people work solely so that they could retire young, before their joints ached of arthritis, before they go too sick to screw( without Viagra) on the beach, before they render themselves too weak to sail on a kayak, or take a month long train trip across Russian Siberia. An average Indian works until he is 70( 55 years + 15 years after retirement). Cant blame though, They had too many problems and commitments. Daughter’s marriage, Sons education, own house/flat, son’s career until he has a son, relatives in need of help, medical expenses for the old age etc.
I think times are changing. I think so.I see similar thoughts floating around in the minds of people around me here, at least in my friends list. I need no more than one daughter. I am thinking of vasectomy ( nasbandi in shudh Hindi-condoms are too unreliable. ((that was a joke). Why care about next generation? Thank god, I have a daughter. Daughters are much less pain-in-the-ass compared to sons. At least,I worry less that they turn out to be drunkards or drug addicts or criminals. Once my daughter is old enough to have a career and is married ( if she has a wish to marry, I would better advice her to stay single unless she finds an appropriate man), I would fool around. I feel life is all about fooling around. We make a mess of it by taking it too seriously.
And now suddenly blogging has become boring. Sad, it doesnt pay me.I am a Greedy FUCKER.Actually, I feel its alright to be greedy. One is motivated and has a reason to live. Its dangerous to have an unmotivated ass. Wealth creation is awfully challenging but its also thrilling. Its great to see the bank balance swell. It’s the ultimate ecstasy. Ode To all the greedy men around the world! Ciao.