Tuesday, 8 June 2010

anymore Blogging?

The wish to write has waned.
I wrote as if someone out there
was interested in my existence.
But suddenly I feel or else,
it is as though I have Exhausted my ability to feel
or have rendered myself dead.

I am in the midst of an anguish,
and the thoughts of expressing my thoughts
Leaves me exhausted.
I feel I had certain vigour or energy,
or perhaps a certain vanity in me.
That 'energy' seems to be sucked out of me
and the very thought of writing leave me weary.

it is as though
I have tired my ability to feel
or have rendered myself numb.
it started with a tingling sensation,
was not too intricate to ignore initially,
but eventually took over my body and mind
and left me gaping at the pace of my life.
It’s as if I were on an automaton.
 I ask, Why, or for whom?

Ok, Nothing of the shit I wrote above. The thing is that I have this defect of focusing only on one thing, at a time. Earlier when I started blogging, I wanted to be a great blogger, in fact the greatest, with millions of followers and millions of comments, each one of it on how brilliant my blog was or how breathtaking my posts were. Now suddenly reality has struck. I am no blogger.I am just an executive, working in a corporation, trying to earn my living, so that one day I have enough money to feel happy about(and secretly pity how poor my neighbor is).

I have loads of problems. Right now my biggest problem is that I have almost nil bank balance.(No that was a lie. I have a fixed deposit of XY lakhs, a mutual fund of  YZ lakhs and some gold worth XY lakhs( my wife’s, though I don’t want to call it a dowry, even though my wife feels I was grossly over dowry-fied).

I also have a huge wish list. I want to retire by 45, have an SUV-a Pajero( someone told me its called a Montero in India, Whatever) or a Land cruiser Prado atleast.Now talking about retirement, people around me have always made me feel I was a retard, bcoz noone retires at 45. I had earlier written something on it and people wrote-how they wished they could work till 125, or how their grandfather still works despite being 85 etc. I am sad how Indians see retirement.

In the west, people work solely so that they could retire young, before their joints ached of arthritis, before they go too sick to screw( without Viagra) on the beach, before they render themselves too weak to sail on a kayak, or take a month long train trip across Russian Siberia. An average Indian works until he is 70( 55 years + 15 years after retirement). Cant blame though, They had too many problems and commitments. Daughter’s marriage, Sons education, own house/flat, son’s career until he has a son, relatives in need of help, medical expenses for the old age etc.

I think times are changing. I think so.I see similar thoughts floating around in the minds of people around me here, at least in my friends list. I need no more than one daughter. I am thinking of vasectomy ( nasbandi in shudh Hindi-condoms are too unreliable. ((that was a joke). Why care about next generation? Thank god, I have a daughter. Daughters are much less pain-in-the-ass compared to sons. At least,I worry less that they turn out to be drunkards or drug addicts or criminals. Once my daughter is old enough to have a career and is married ( if she has a  wish to marry, I would better advice her to stay single unless she finds an appropriate man), I would fool around. I feel life is all about fooling around. We make a mess of it by taking it too seriously.

And now suddenly blogging has become boring. Sad, it doesnt pay me.I am a Greedy FUCKER.Actually, I feel its alright to be greedy. One is motivated and has a reason to live. Its dangerous to have an unmotivated ass. Wealth creation is awfully challenging but its also thrilling. Its great to see the bank balance swell. It’s the ultimate ecstasy.  Ode To all the greedy men around the world! Ciao.


Bagman and Butler said...

Boy, do I empathize with you! Blogging's excitement died with me, or at least weakened. Back to the executive grind. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can always come back...infreguently as you like.
I am very glad I read this one.

展姍展姍 said...


Neha said...

oh man, you are so damn honest :D

I was one of them who said that i wanna work for a long time - but the work that I enjoy doing and not a job! from a job, I retired at 25 and that was the wisest decision of my life..now I am busy with my firm, blogging (yeah, not yet got bored of it :)) and other assignment..will let you know about it soon..things are yet to get finalized and I don't want ke I declare it and baad me locha ho jaaye :)

but yes, I am still doing what I love doing and keep praying for you that you retire at 40 only and live a life u wish to :)

syada senti ho gaya na?

LEB said...

I do not agree with you completely. Yes, they do work hard to retire early. But there are thousands in the West who work till their last living day. Because they do not have enough savings. Liked the candour ...a lot !!

Kaddu said...

@ "Daughters are much less pain-in-the-ass"!

You might want to meet my Dad for a round of drinks... the experience cud be an eye opener for u! :p :p

And yeah... the fun of blogging does seem to have died out slowly. Wish u'd keep in touch thru emails though at least!

ZB said...

@B&B: Thanks, Surely, I would :TC:)

@Chin-cho-min: Thanks.I hope u werent abusing me. Thanks Anyways.

@Neha: You are right. Job is boring, but a work you enjoy isnt a job. I am happy to know that you are enjoying your work, though i have too many lawyer friends who are bored like hell and have left the profession. I too wish to have a business of my own, some thing i love to do. Like a restaurant. Lets see. :)

@LEB: I agree with you completely. I was just generalizing. I know of it in the west. My retirement plan is based on one of my friends from England, who retired @ 45, and ever since has lived in Goa 8 months a year, to return during summer. He has a restaurant in Goa, and Cuba. I though it was wonderful to do what one loved in life.Thanks buddy.;)

@Kaddu: Why?Your Dad thinks otherwise? I , for one, am delighted that i have a daughter. I find my heart melt literally like a cube of butter on a hot pan, every time my lil one calls me papa and hugs me. Its great to have one. SOns are lovely too, but for me its my daughter.TC:)

Sandeep Kodam said...

some things to ponder on...am I being too serious(jus kidding!!!)

Anonymous said...

Yep ... it is a great thing when your hobby is your job ... (sigh)!!

HaRy!! said...

wassup with the honesty dude :) ? poems, rants... all sums up the perfect blog!... as for the western culture and stuff... no comments mate... i think they are far better, we strive hard and finally no time for the beloved..whereas they return back home evenings...!

Aparna said...

I think it depends on whether you are passionate about your job. My father who was an architect worked till he was 70. Not because he needed to bring money home, because he loved what he did. I know a lot of people who work till late in life and really enjoy it.
I hope you get to do what you enjoy the most. Best of luck.

Gayathri said...

I couldnt agree with you more! I have just started my career.. but i certainly don't plan to work for long.. not any beyond 30-35.. i want to have life.. not just money.. i dont wanna toil day in and day out for the huge pay slip only to miss the precious moments with my loved ones.. reminds me of an aunt,who was abroad for a major chunk of her life,only to regret later,coz she could never attend any functions in our family..neither could she attend to her parents before their death..
I wish to have a good savings,.then travel a lot..have a lot of adventures..if possible sponsor a child..and may be on a later stage,join the ngo..
OMG i made ur comment section a blogging portal.. anyway,c you around..

The Panorama said...

ZB, that is a very honest post. I can understand your thoughts. As far as blogging goes, I think it is important to do it because you enjoying writing. Of course it is indeed a good feeling to know that there are many who like reading your blog but if the joy of writing isn't there, that alone will not be enough motivation.
I think you are going through a tough phase right now with a baby in the house, sleep deprivation etc...but hang in there buddy. There are many like me who enjoy reading your posts.

As for the other stuff I can only say that not all boys are a pain in the ass:-D Just yesterday I was picking up my son from his friends place and I heard how quiet and calm he is and that they barely realised he was there!!

Anyway, take care:-)

Anonymous said...

耐心是一切聰明才智的基礎。 ..................................................

The Panorama said...

Forgot to write this: I hope I die writing and editing, because I love my job. The thought of retirement is a scary one for me:-)

kavita said...

Hope all your dreams come true .Best wishes .

Jo said...

We all go through blogging doldrums. I go through them often. I have ofen found that some of the very best blogs in the blogosphere have hardly any comments, whereas the boring *y-a-w-n* ones can get sometimes up to 250 comments. There is a blog called The Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond). If you look in the dictionary under the word boring or ordinary you will find her name. And yet she is wildly popular. Go figure!!! Columbia Pictures is even going to make a movie about her, starring Reese Witherspoon. I cannot read her blog without thinking WTF???

Keep blogging...!!! It will all come back to you.



雲亨 said...

Happy New Year~..................................................

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

You have an award from me...


Onkar said...

I think, every individual has his or her own way of looking at life. What makes him happy is good for him. Period.

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