Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Me, Myself and Musings




The other day, I was reading the “Quotation of the day” widget on my blog, which quotes Agatha Christie-“Lucky is a man if he has had a happy childhood”. How true, isn’t it?

I didn’t have an happy childhood. I don’t know if I can call myself an unlucky man, but I am indeed unlucky to have lost my mother when really small. Who can realize more the fact that there is no one in this world like your mother, than a motherless child himself. That is one thing I have and will always miss for rest of my life. Motherhood for me is more of a ‘read-somewhere’ or a ‘heard-from-someone’ thing rather than something which I had experienced firsthand.

Throughout childhood and even now, hardly anyone around me knows that I didn’t have a mother. I was this boy, who had too much pride to let anyone know his sorrows and garner sympathy in return. Whatever memories I have of my mother are extremely fond and well cherished. She was an extremely beautiful woman, a poet at heart and an avid reader. Only much later that I learned of her disease and depression with which she lived, while showing a happy face before us. I wouldn’t like to mention how she died out of similar pride that I still harbor, that I mentioned before.

I didn’t have a happy childhood because it was mostly spent watching my parents fight. I have distressing memories of my mother crying after a brawl with father and sometimes father locking us inside a room to stop us from coming in between him and his target (my mother).

Yet, I don’t hate my father, for the reason that he immediately took the part of mother, soon after her death. He did all he could to aid us, to cope with a motherless upbringing we grew in. he married again and we had a stepmom. And yet again we were lucky that unlike what’s portrayed in movies and television, she turned out to be a truly loving lady. She would get up very early to cook us breakfast and packed lunch, ready us for school, sometimes hand feed us when we decided to throw some extra tantrums etc. She tried to give us everything she thought a mother gives to her child, but being an extremely sensitive child, I still secretly longed for my mother. I felt the love she showed wasn’t the kind, a natural mother bestowed upon her kids.Later, she had a child of her own and my sensitivity found reasons to further prove my beliefs by comparing her behaviors with her own child.

Now, when I think about her, I realize that I owe her much more than a mere thanks. She really needn’t had to care for us, the way she did. I love and appreciate her for that.
As I said earlier I don’t hate my father, but I don’t love him the way I should. I cannot stop myself from believing that my mother was his responsibility and if he would have really tried from his heart, he could have saved her life. He should have prevented her from falling victim to manic depression. How? I don’t know.

But the images of him, taking care of me when I was critically ill, visiting my room late at night to check if I was sleeping comfortably and covering me with a bed spread to shield the cold, worrying about my college admissions, the role he played during my marriage and the lovely grandfather he is to my child-makes me show a happy face, albeit with a tad bit of resentment.

36 comments:

The abstract scientist said...

dude, I am speechless. I am in my lab and have tears on my eyes. The few lines about how you only read and heard somewhere about motherly love was heartbreaking. It is a very honest memoir. Something very rare. There are many times when we take our beloved for granted. Innumerable times with me. Your post reminds me to cherish what I have. Thanks for writing such a wonderful post.
You may like to read my post about my mom.
http://wiseruminations.blogspot.com/2008/04/letter-to-my-mom.html

thanks again for such a lovely post mate.

Aparna said...

I am so moved by this post. You describe your feelings for your stepmom and father with such honesty. Truly magnificent.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@AS: Thanks Man. I am gld that you found this good.

@Aparna: Thanks again.

AnjuGandhi said...

very touching post expressions.no one can take the place of mother. but you were lucky to have found a surrogate mother in your step mother( how i hate this word Step)why put this tag before any relation and then compartmentalise the relation into something which the society wants it to be. people have this preconceived notion that all step relations are bad.
parents may show their indifferene or strong discilinary attitude but deep in their heart every parents feels for his child. same with your father

Chriz said...

i sang this song last year in tech a break (technopark-kerala) singing competition.. got a standing ovation! not for my voice.. but for the touching words...

this song gives me the creeps..

nice dedication for ur mom and also for ur dad.. for some words which you told abt him here

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Anju:I agree with you on the Stepmom term. I know how parents feel when i am a parent myself. Thanks Again:)

@Chriz:Yes, thats such a touchy number, hardly anyone who doesnt get moved hearing it. Cheers man:))

LumousP said...

Man, that was really sad. :(

Butler and Bagman said...

My mom died when I was six, dad was an alcoholic, and I was raised by grandparents who -- thankfully, were wonderful. But I can certainly identify with going through life not really understanding in a personal way what a mother is. The question someone asked me once was, Well what was I going to do with it. Play the cards I'm dealt, I guess.

The Panorama said...

I guess am not the only one who got tears in her eyes at your post...it was really touching but I would also like to share something with you and I hope it helps.
Manic depression is a serious illness and there is really nothing your father could have done to save her. All the fights between them must have been a result of her mania.
I knew someone who also had the same disease. This person was impossible to have in my life. Often they have personality disorders too. Anyway, my friend finally committed suicide because nobody wanted her.
I hope you forgive your father, he was a victim, just like you who lost his mother.

And some of us have a mother but never get the love from her because she favours her son over daughters...such is life...

Take care:)

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Lumous: Thanks for reading.

@B&B: I appreciate your attitude.thats the spirit. Thanks

@Panorama: Thanks for sharing your personal experience. i appreciate, to tell you frankly after reading your comment i feel much better. Take care:)

le embrouille blogueur said...

Very touching...and real!!You poured your heart out and what best than to do that for other fellow bloggers to share with...wish you luck with new memories which will wipe out the sadness of old ones.

P said...

Losing a parent when you need them the most is a loss that is unacceptable. It leaves a gaping hole in your heart that never really heals... but with it comes courage and strength. Cherish that too.
And I would like to add from personal exp. that as a child... the fights and issues parents have with each other are truly disturbing. But I doubt if one can fathom the relationship between a couple... its hard to judge and is best left alone. When tragedies happen people change... with that their ability to love changes too...one cannot love with reckless abandon as we did as a child...it changes with age, knowledge and understanding.
so don't worry about your feelings towards your dad. over time, those scares will heal too.

And always...count your blessings.I remind myself that everyday.

Dhanya said...

First time to your blog and the first post I read was so incredibly touching! I guess whatever I say will never be able to justify this loss of yours...

Sucharita Sarkar said...

This was a very brave post where you really bared your soul. I noticed one thing, that although you have conflicting feelings for your mother/father/stepmom you finally come up with a positive opinion about them. I think that this is a very important quality.

And, of course, a person who has been deeply sensitive as a child, will try his best to make his own children happy.

Keshi said...

It's really very brave of ya to come out in the open and speak abt old wounds that scarred u for life in ways that only u would u'stand. Bravo! This means u r ready to forgive ur father, no matter how he treated ur mum and made ur childhood a difficult one. It's hard to forget but I think if u really try, u can forgive him. He's ur father after all...and he did make up for all those times, later on.

Im so sorry it all happened that way but I guess we all hv been given a certain path that we must travel on somehow. And this was ur's...ur father's...and ur mother's. u can draw alot of strength and courage from it all. Im sure u hv. But I can also u'stand ur resentment...it's not something easy to deal with. All I can say is, u be the bigger person and let go of it.

Be the FATHER to ur father that he couldnt be to u.

All the best!

keshi.

Priya said...

That was an awesome post..expressionwise...your post speaks about some true emotions...One thing that i noticed in your writing is...you have been very honest with your feelings in this post and at the same time your post evokes respect for every person who brought you up, irrespective of the "undoings" that has somehow come up just as a part of life...

This is that said...

Zillion. I dont know anything about you, not a thing. I only know the words you write. And yes, it fills my heart with sadness, your post makes me want to reach out to you. I am a mother, and thats partly the reason. You are an honest person. It takes guts to write a post from your heart about your hurts. You are lucky that this blog room full of people , care so deeply about you, some of us, who dont even know you. Words connect you to your life and then to us. I can feel your pain. But I salute your spirit. Understanding the disease and the impact is one thing, and coping with a loss so great is another. My theory is that you should care for someone else so deeply and give so generously that it fills your own voids,somewhat. I m sure you do that already. Love, spread your love. Care, without fear. You may find the love that you lost . Somewhat.

Shalini Gowrisankar said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I'm really moved by your post. I'm really speechless. May god bless your family.

sujata said...

A beautiful and honest post. I would say you have shown immense maturity in the way you have dealt with all these relationships and how you have managed to wean out the positivity in each of them and not gone into a despairing "why me?" kind of post. Kudos!! It talks a lot about your upbringing..and its a great upbringing.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

le embrouille: Thanks dude. I may have written a sad post, but i am one of the happiest people on earth. Just that to experience true happiness one also has to go through profound sadness..Ciao:)

ZiLliOnBiG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ZiLliOnBiG said...

P: i absolutely ditto your thoughts. With such hard experiences comes a level of maturity, courage and strength which i feel is a huge plus in life. Thnaks

ZiLliOnBiG said...

Dhanya:Thanks!

Sucharita:Thanks, I agree with you.ciao

ZiLliOnBiG said...

Thanks you very much too all the readers

Keshi
Priya

@This is That:Thanks a lot. I am quite touched by your comment. In fact i have got the love of my life as my wife, so what i missed has been substituted in a way. i am thankful to almighty for that.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Shalini:Thanks

@Sujata: I am glad that you liked the post. Thanks a ton.:))

Jyothi said...

A post that is suppossed to make me feel mushy and all. But Somehow, the way you have described your relationships shows that you have a strong hold on your emotions. Hats off to you.

Rahul Anand said...

Great posts. First time to your blog and I am hooked to the writing.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Jyothi: Thanks for reading through.

@Thanks Rahul. I too am hooked to your blog. great reviews on books man.TC

Ms. Neha Gandhi said...

i am so moved by this post...
how did u manage to write something so touching... so moving
u r a strong man...i must say
had u been saying this on the mike...like Chriz said...i would be giving you a standing ovation with tears in my eyes...

Kaddu said...

This post carries personal meaning to me, in the sense that it is so very similar to my own story. Although I hvnt yet been able to gather the courage to put it down so honestly on my blog! :)

Normally a girl with several thousand words, but surprisingly, can't find any words to describe how I'm feeling rt now...

Will read the rest of ur blog later... take care...

SAHITYIKA said...

hey ... this happenes..
we wanto love some one.. bt something inside us stops us.. why we dont knw.. or some times jus for a small reason.. whtevr gud they did for us. bt tht small thing make all those things vanish frm our mind..
sometimes i too feel d same for my parents... whn they fight.. i hate thm.. b/c of thr ego problems.. sometime we hav to suffer.. bt we should always remember gud things.. thts wht i try to do.. b/c if we will be going on counting falts.. we cn nvr be happy..
i m happy to knw that.. u r happy with ur children n ur parents..
u r lucky one.. u got a so much caring stepmother..
gud luck..

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Ms.Neha- Thanks, i am strong? wow, iam gliding in air.
How i wrote this? I just followed my heart add it narrated itself. When you write from your heart it connects easily. Thanks once again.

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Kaddu-i am so glad that i connected via my blog. What can make a blogger happier. Thanks for visiting. I am honoured.:))

ZiLliOnBiG said...

@Sahityika: Thats were very encouraging words. Thanks very much.

I havent visited your blog, which i will do in a day or so, apologies for the same. Take care and keep writing .:)

Zeba Talkhani said...

This made me cry. It made me realize how much I take my mom for granted. I keep fighting with her all the time. I am going to make an effort now. Coz I realize what i have is truly precious.

you are a brave man.

All Talk and No Action said...

Only a strong man can be so vocal in sharing his feelings. Very well written !